SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Do you ever go blank when someone asks you what YOU want?
I did, for a very long time, and I didn’t realise that this was because it was so unsafe for me to even have a Self when I was young, let alone one who ASSERTED herself or MADE REQUESTS (god forbid!) that I had completely disconnected from any notion of what I might want.
So even when ordering at a restaurant, when I was asked directly what I wanted to order I would often stutter, frown, look at the menu again, dither, and then stammer something out.
And I didn’t realise that this is a classic trait of someone who learnt submissiveness as a response to living in a chronically unsafe environment.
Now don’t get me wrong, I yearned for things, I longed for the desires of my heart, but when confronted with the question “So, what do you want?” or “what do you want to do?” I was at a loss for words.
And that’s why this little reflection by the amazing wordsmith Toko-pa Turner touched my heart:
“For the person with a lifelong habit of contraction from receiving, a skillfully-landed generosity can break the husk on the heart and release the grief of how long they have survived without their needs feeling seen. But know that this grief is the sign of healing, the opening of those places which for too long have been declining love.” – From Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home.
First our needs have to be seen and validated by OURSELVES. And we must get a sense of this Self. This wonderful, delicious Self who has needs.
And when you really start to connect to and re-embody your needs and desires once again, there can be immense grief that arises – at what might have been but never was. And one also must build the capacity to let the good in, to let support in, to let help in.
And it’s tough.
But I promise you, you will not regret connecting to what YOU want, and letting it back in.