Hey all you lovely single people out there, listen up! 🙂
If you’ve been in spiritual or personal development circles for a little while, you’ll notice there’s a lot out there about ‘doing your work’, ‘dealing with your shit’, ‘letting go of your emotional baggage’ and ‘becoming whole’ so that two whole people meet instead of two damaged people and can then have this perfect relationship without any pain….yeah right!
I’m not saying don’t take responsibility for yourself, there are sound spiritual principles behind these concepts – but our minds have a very sneaky way of misinterpreting spiritual principles like Law of Attraction and we can find ourselves down a rabbit hole of unhappiness and confusion.
For one, if your shit gets triggered in relationship then going to some magical fairyland for one to ‘do your work’ so that you can then come back down to the land of relationship, find your soul mate and live happily ever after, is just that – a fairytale! You ‘do the work’ in relationship. And it hurts and you get your heartbroken, but you grow and you expand and you evolve and you let go and you create space for something beautiful to arise. You cannot deal with pain by avoiding it.
For two, on a very fundamental level, you are already perfect! You don’t get there by ‘doing the work’. You get there by recognising you are there already. What a lot of pressure to put on yourself to ‘do your work’ so that you will be ready for a meaningful, loving relationship – f#ck that!
It is not that this idea of ‘doing the work’ is wrong – it’s that our minds take it and view it through a lens of lack/perfectionism and then use it as another subtle way to beat ourselves up for not being enough – but now we are doing it using personal development/spiritual teachings. See if you can notice when you are doing this. Having grown up with a strong perfectionism lens myself, I still catch myself in this trap.
And three, notice what your true motive is. Is it really to do the work? Or is it a subtle way of avoiding doing the work? Avoiding feeling pain? It hurts when relationships aren’t working. It hurts having your heart broken. And so we think if we can just work on ourselves enough and get to a place where we have dealt with all our baggage, we can avoid the messy stuff. We can avoid the rough stuff. We can’t. The messy stuff is what makes us human – otherwise you wouldn’t be here having this human experience, you would be in some other universe having some other experience. The messy stuff is what makes it juicy! You don’t have mountain tops without valleys, life just don’t work that way. So sooner or later, you just gotta embrace it!
Cut yourself some slack and love the one who is lonely, needy, horny, whatever. Love the one who hasn’t done their work yet and is finding it a burden of expectation to carry around. Say f#ck it and love and take care of yourself instead. Listen to what you need and give it to yourself. Evolution, expansion, ‘the work’ is going to happen anyway – it doesn’t need you to help it on its way!
Take care of yourself lovelies xx